there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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