The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
All the doctor said was why
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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