Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
