I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
