best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
