i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
