A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
