I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
