You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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