is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
