my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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