the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
