Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
