I like my sex mixed with concussions.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
