smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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