I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
