True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
