dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
