Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You made out with two different species that night
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
