it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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