do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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