i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
