My sheets look like a crime scene.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
