My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
