capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
