Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
