We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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