Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I met the friendliest cop last night
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
