I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
