Swine flu. Run for my life!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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