my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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