I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
