wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
