this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
