Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
