The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
