I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
