Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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