oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
