Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
