You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I have feelings that need drinking.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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