Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
