I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
