Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
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