I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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