Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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