I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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