The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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