he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
