OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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