Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
