jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
