maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
