Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
