So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
