My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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