My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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