I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
operation have a gay friend backfired
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
