I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
